Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Everybodys's gotta learn sometime

The word 'Genius' is bandied around too often and too easily, usually by me. But Michel Gondry you are a genius. This film is so beautiful. I'm sure that my infatuation with Kate Winslet has a little to do with this. I particularly like her look here, very individual, I like to call it 'studenty' and the blue hair....oops, tangent. Do I see a bit of Joel in myself, maybe. Do we all seem a bit like Clementine, I suppose. That is why this film works. Nothing much more to say, look around it will astound you.

Monday, 29 December 2008

The Mutant Chronicles - Feeling Holy?

This could be a tough sell to some as it has it's faults. Another of the Green screen affairs that tend to divide the audience. But fans of Sky Captain and the Almighty Casshern (I Worship You) should love it for that reason alone. The story is OK, the style is very WWI&II retroness and it looks pretty sweet. Thomas Janes shiny coat has a story all of its own. TJ, Ron Pearlman and Sean Pertwee were always going to raise this one up for me, even if they once again forgot the rule of Sean. The first rule of Sean is you do not under use Sean, The second rule of Sean is YOU DO NOT UNDER USE SEAN!!!!!!!! Ass kicking Girls as well, so a recipe for success.

Saturday, 27 December 2008

WALL-E - Johnny 5 is still alive

They finally made a movie from the Alien 8 and Alien Highway speccy games. If you ignore the ironic message coming from Disney and Pixar just before they unleash their merchandising supertanker on the world, then this is pretty funny. It's a simple story of a trash droid who works all day and just wants to spend his free time with a like minded individual. I can relate to that. Pixars animation looks stunning as always. How do they make his eyes look so sad???? they're friggin' binoculars for crying out loud. Superb!!

National Lampoons Christmas Vacation - Mele Kalikimaka is the thing to say on a bright Hawaiian Christmas day.

Yay! Chevy Chase is funny again. Fair enough it is almost 20 years old, but I still, laugh my ass off at it every year. I grew up with the Griswold family and wont have a bad word said against them. The shopping scene, the bobsled scene, the Christmas meal, the house lights, the neighbours and every scene with cousin Eddie. Merry Christmas...Shitter was full. Hell Yeah.

Scrooged - I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples

Love this. Gets funnier each year. The ghost of Christmas past is manic. The ghost of Christmas present is extreme violence (a bit of S&M maybe:) and the ghost of Christmas yet to come gets a bum deal once again. The comedy works not only because of the genius of Bill Murray but also because they never let it get too smalchy...bleugh. Even at the end he's playing to the camera. Karen Allen is so mmmmmm in this. If only I had succeeded at being a hard ass TV exec, what a wonderful world this would be...

A Christmas Carol - Pips other versions and exceeds expectations

Patrick Stewart is one of our finest actors. He is the reason this umpteenth retelling of Dickens' finest tale (work with me) gets an annual outing from me, you know, every year at Christmas. We all know the story and there are no surprises to be had, but every actor in this version plays it for keeps. Brilliant. Bring back Jean Luc Picard.

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

The Matrix HD Revolution - Why did they go Blu?

You take the blu pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and you believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

I'm trying to free your mind, but I can only show you the door. Why do your eyes hurt?, You've never used them before. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about? The HD format war?

.. That is the sound of inevitability... It is the sound of your death..

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.

You have to let it all go. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.

I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the Red pill?

I have both but I'm far more in love with the clarity of my Toshiba HD than I am with Sonys Blu Ray. If you'd told us the truth, we would've told you to shove that Blu pill right up your ass.

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Be kind, dont rewind - The original and still the best

It has been said that I watch a lot of movies, I watch a lot of TV and I listen to a lot of music. It is true and I cannot deny it. But so what, I love it. Of course this does mean that there are a lot of things running about in my head that are not my own. Words mainly, speeches especially.

Be they the mumblings of George Lucas, the creator of the most amazing cinematic event ever. Be it the social commentary of Jim Bob, my generations Bob Dylan. Or simply every bit of crap that I have heard in my life. I will probably consume it evolve it and pass it off as my own. But isn't this what we all do anyway. We listen, we learn and we do, because history my friends, is written by the winners.

Of course I was reminded of this foible of mine by a girl last week and this is both good and bad. Because it means she listens to me and remembers things I say, but likewise, it means she listens to me and remembers things I say.

Land of the Dead - George the one trick pony???

Of course he isn't. He does what he does best. Make genuinely scary zombie horror. It probably helps that the idea of zombies scares the bejebus out of me. Yeah, they don't move that fast, but they keep on moving. I have read the Zombie survival guide, it will help, but not protect you. Mr Romero also likes to make a social commentary in his films, I missed it in this along with any interest in who lived or died. But as a zombie flick this is nasty, frightening, moody and down right grim in places. I loved it! More please Mr G, although I fear you may be running out of titles and tag lines.

Ocean's Eleven - The Beautiful people, the Beautiful people

Had to give myself the pleasure of watching this great movie once again.....in HD. It really is a beautiful piece. Plays well, sounds great and looks fabulous. George Clooney is an actor I like to watch, he oozes charisma and is a marker for all men trying to impress the ladies. That is ladies, not skanks. But the boy George aside, all of the cast are having a whale of a time in this and they are fantastic. Even the horrible Julia Roberts doesn't do too bad and I despise her normally. It all being set against the back drop of Las Vegas helps as well. Aaah The Bellagio, Ceasars Palace, The MGM Grand, such amazing places. I will go back and take some great photos next time. I digress, the story is great as well, with a few little twists and turns. Very much like 'Sneakers' which was another great little ensemble cast affair. Don Cheadles accent was a bit Dot Cotton though.

Thursday, 18 December 2008

The Heartbreak Kid - Bitches be crazy, you know that!

I liked this film. Another tasteless comedy from the Farrelly Brothers helped along nicely by an A-Typical performance from Ben Stiller. A slice of modern day life and relationships and the expectancy for us to conform to the social plan. Must meet girl, must get married, must have children. I've heard words such as cruel, vulgar, twisted, outrageous and bittersweet used to slag off this comedy. Errrr??? Wake up people, as the Brothers' Farrelly go, those are their best qualities.

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

Nacho Libre - That difficult second movie??

The backlash started pretty quickly for Jared Hess. I don't know why though because this is hilarious. You can already see his style, a little Wes Anderson influence in there (and why not seeing as he's a genius) but clearly his own. Maybe Jack Black is starting to annoy people and he is getting the flack for that. I loved this as much as Napolean Dynamite. Plenty of rewatchability and lets hope for more from this man. Of course I might just have loved the fact that I have a new hot actress to look at, check out the nun. Pheeewwww!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles - Those aren't pillows!

Comedy Gold from John Hughes. Seasonal as well. I want some American friends to celebrate Thanksgiving with. This is Steve Martin in good film mode and John Candy proving why he is sorely missed. You kind of laugh your ass off from the Taxi race with Kevin Bacon, through the bathroom scene to one of the great F*ck speeches in movie history. It's comes as kind a of a surprise that you're not still laughing at the end, but that is intentional. Still, I sat next to a guy on the bus that looked just like the late great JC does in the above picture. Well weird I can tell ya!

Monday, 15 December 2008

The Expendables - Yu not expendable Wambo!

Is this the best action movie cast....EVER?? Is the best action movie ....Ever?? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out. UFC Champ Randy Couture, Robert (T-Bag) Knepper and 'Oscar Winner' Forest Whitaker? are also in the cast.

I'm not sure if it's just a big wind up or if Stallone is continuing his 80's action revival. But it is the talk of the titnterweb and there are plenty not got a lot to say but I'm gonna record myself saying it and post it on Youtube fanboy videos out there.

Until 2o1o let us remind ourselves why we love the one liner action hero.

Banlieue 13 Ultimatum - B13/B14/District 14????

I only found out about this today and I am genuinely excited. I loved the first and it reminded me how French cinema is about more than the Tits and Cigarettes that enticed me as an adolescent. Must dig it out to watch again. Until February then Mr Besson.

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - Well, when in Rome.....

Guess what, I do. I know that one day I am gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited. But until that time, I will continue to watch Will Ferrell movies because they make me laugh.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

Philadelphia - The power of music and images

I cried the first time I saw and heard this and it still chokes me up now.

The X-Factor - Why don't you just fuck off!

That's it really. Didn't Andy Millman sum up all this excruciation reality TV BS already. I was sick tonight and saw this, especially the freak show number. Still not as sick as the fakeness of Simon Scowell and his co panel members. I get it. You can make a lot of money because most people are just sheep. 2009 auditions are to be held in Birmingham, Cardiff, Glasgow, London and Manchester. Perhaps some organisation might find that information useful and do me a favour. I still would with that Diana Vickers though, even if I did end up in 'Special Hell' Ha!
Oh yeah I am slightly annoyed that they butchered one of my favourite songs. And yeah I know John Cale covered it as well, but he made it beautiful.

Bad Santa - He slept with an unclean woman

Don't watch this one with your kids. It just might not be suitable. It is rude, crude and downright dirty. But it just might be the best Christmas movie out there, the funniest for sure. Billy Bob nails it, The kid is immense, Tony Cox is huge and Lauren Graham is funny and so hot. It smacks Christmas on the head with a pneumatic drill dressed in bows an ribbons. The only people that wont like this is those miserable gits that think all they have to do is be soooper happy for two weeks a year. Well I hate you guys!!!

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Pineapple Express - Prepare to suck the cock of karma

Good to know that Judd Apatow & Seth Rogen are keeping that classic 80's formula going. By that I mean the comedy action flick. This is very much in the mould of Beverly Hills Cop and others that escape me. Just a little bit more crazy and a lot more funny. Of course if you don't like the team, constant stoner jokes and the word F*ck, you probably wont like this. Would it be easier if I drew you an analogy??

Sons Of Anarchy - Once a Biker slut, always a Biker slut

A fantastic new show from FX. A take on Shakespeare as well so they say, meh, I never read any. To me this is a lot like the Sopranos', except these guys are a lot more likeable and they ride Motorcycles. More body art and less gold chains, you get the picture. Really good storylines and characterisation give this a genuine feel. It will certainly keep me out of the Pack Horse Pub anyway. And yep, that is the gay kid from 'Queer as Folk'. Didn't he do well.

Sunday, 7 December 2008

Black Hawk Down - Black Hawk Down, so good I reviewed it twice

One of, if not, the best, War movie, if not, movie, ever made. Punctuation aside, it is that good. Real and unflinching. You feel like you've spent 24 hours fighting on the streets of Mogadishu with these guys. Fear, confusion, anger and death. Just like war, just like the business of killing another man. Director, cast, story, DoP, music, sound - everything is spot on. As usual Eric Bana steals the show. Watch it. Hoo-Aah!

Rob Dougan - The Fast & The Furious Angels

Rob Dougan is an artist that most of you will have heard of, or at least heard his music. He is most known for his work on The Matrix & Matrix Reloaded soundtrack. His work is heavily influenced by film in my eyes (and ears) and if I kept my CD cases I could confirm this fact. I urge you to track down his album, Furious Angels, especially the 2 CD version which has a instrumental version of the album. You see Rob D does sound a bit like Chris Rea when he sings and this is not for every ones taste.

All I know is that this is an album I keep revisiting, with many of the tracks reminding me I do have a heart. The track simply titled 'Instrumental' can even bring a tear to my eye.

As for the video, well Black Hawk Down is one of the greatest films ever made, and this music seems to fit. That's my Sunday afternoon gone then as I'll have to watch it now. Buy 'em both

Saturday, 6 December 2008

Flight of the Conchords - The Humans are dead....

I don't know how I did it, but missed every episode on TV
So thank the lord for Fopp & co and the boxset DVD
Cos this one has to be watched again, try it and you will see
Following the lives in song and dance of two guys from NZ

Jermaine & Bret write and sing the songs when they're feeling low
And Mel she is their stalker fan, the only one they know
Murray is their manager and he's the guy that steals the show
Even the New Zealand consulate looks like it's from thirty years ago

So thanks for Peter Jackson, Lucy Lawless, Sam Neil and New Zealand Lamb. Lord of the Rings, Bad Taste, The Frightners, Braindead and Meet The Feebles (Hell Yeah!). King Kong ok maybe not King Kong, Crowded House and Heavenly Creatures. The worlds Fastest Indian and where I want to live. We have a new New Zealand export to celebrate, The Flight of the Conchords are here!!'

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Fred Claus - Christmas time for Hitler and Germany??

So were they trying to make a Christmas turkey?? Proving that the Christmas story has limited parameters?? I don't know. I mean I know it bombed, but I'm not sure. A lot of this is funny and a lot more of it appears to be tongue-in-cheek. Just look at the cast involved, so many great actors. Some of the 'dramatic' scenes are so humorous they must have been playing us. At the end of the day people, it's a time for fun, family and kids. So run with, I love it!!
I don't think they ever really explained why Elizabeth Banks was hanging around in that sexy Xmas number, and I really don't think they needed to.

Monday, 1 December 2008

The Blair Witch Clockwork Orange Project

To clarify some questions of late. My blog name came to me through my love of the work of Philip K. Dick. As I understand he had a recurring dream searching for a story called 'The Empire Never Ended', he never found it, and became convinced that if he did, he would go insane. It's that age old story, Boy meets Girl, Girl Meets Boy, Boy tries to get Girl, Girl says 'yikes', Boy looks for other Girl, Girl gets jea...well, it could go on and on.

And another thing, yep it's a movie blog. I will review the films as I watch them. And yeah I do watch that many. I found out a long time ago that Sleep is for wimps, and there's plenty of time to sleep at work anyway.

Why didn't I review many movies in October, well read my blog and you might learn something. I do other things to such high levels of geekdom as well you know. Cripes, you'll be asking why I watched so many tenuous linked Christmas movies in December next.

Yes this is a movie blog, but it's my movie blog and I'll review what is going on in my 360 head. It might not all be movies but then hell, get your own blog if you want to. I see movie influences in everything.

And as for the picture. Well that's really the reason for the rant. I liked it straight off. Got those movie influences sparkin' in my head. My thanks to Lauren for the model, although she less an orange and more a peach.

Zack & Miri make a porno - Keep your clothes on and drink some Cherry Wine, Uh huh

So Kevin 'theman' Smith returns with another of his filthy love stories. It IS Kevin Smith by numbers but what do you expect. Much like QT the man makes movies for himself, and if you don't like them, I doubt he's that bothered. Sharp dialogue and sharper observations and lots of it ....pretty dirty. This is one of his best. Some of the regulars are here, with Mewes on sparkling form. I get to pick a porn name....I want to be Pete Jones. And I loved the scene with Schwalbach. This is date movie material and if I take you to see it, you better be laughing with me, 'cos The Kevster is my god. Note - I may be biased and I may be babbling

Saturday, 29 November 2008

The Devil's Backbone - Civil war and orphanages again?

You see Del Toro is touted as a horror director, but he is so much more. He brings fairy tales to the screen and that is what this is. A classic ghost story, a haunted tale a beuatiful cinematic experience. You wont be scared but you may be unnerved and you should definetley be moved. Long may this man make movies.

Step Brothers - It's like masturbating in a time machine

Remember in the 80's when they made completely bonkers comedy with SNL regulars like Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and the like. Remember when they stopped doing that and all those comic geniuses got serious or dull. Remember when comedy then had to be full of attractive young teens and have a moral standpoint. Me too. Luckily Ferrells never thought that and John C. Reilly met him and thought hell yeah. Enough, lol lmao lol lmao lol lmao lol lmao lol lmao lol lmao

Old School - Hey there you with the sad face come up to my place and live it up.

Absolutely mental. A simple premise, and what old man wouldn't love to go back to college and just drink and party all night long. Frank the Tank, you can be my hero baby.

Friday, 28 November 2008

Hitman - And Her

There is a time for style over substance and this is it. Classy and cool but completely bonkers. As for Agent 47, "I wanted Jason Statham" or "Vin Diesel would have been better", well shut up kids, Olyphant in the Room. He plays it as well as it should and could have been played. Game imitates movies - movies imitates game. And 'Her' you're right, she is hot.


Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Survivors - Virus, Millions dead...family gone, what now??.hmm, Lets Shag..

2 episodes in, what's that smell?? Well it aint just the dead bodies. The cast have got lostus complex 7, the script has stinkus syndrome and the direction, predictablus simplex arse. No wonder Terry Nation took so long to let the beeb get their hands back on his work. I could forgive the PC surival group, the white facist bad guys and even the flat faced girl (still kinda cute) if it wasn't all so.......poo. I LOVED the 70's show, I LOVE apocalyptic drama, I hate the BEEB. Still gonna watch the rest though ;)

Sunday, 23 November 2008

P2 - Cant we just be friends???

Stupid scary stuff?? Nope but quite stylish and visual, and pretty stoopid. Still very watchable and if you turn down the lights and up the sound it'll do the business. Thomas is pretty scary but he's no Mick Taylor :-0

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Thursday - That's my fun day, My I don't have to run day

This is a classic. Well I think so obviously. Hidden from me for far too long. Tinterweb debate thinks the writer/director is a QT psuedonym, but similarities are just that. Comic, bloody, sex(y)(ual), brutal and offensive (from the off). OK the bad guy trying to go straight has been done many times, but never this well. A super cast, TJ in particular, and a great script make this a winner. Too much to say - just watch it, but not on a Thursday, they might get the Wong house.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Rocky 7 - Wiiiiiii (shewasso) Fit!

OK, there is not another Rocky movie out, but who needs one when you can visit the local amateur boxing, gratis of course. There was fighting and flailing, uppercuts and jabs, Micky, Paulie, Adrienne, chicken chasing and meat bashing. Alright, there wasn't any meat bashing, but maybe later 'cos that numbers girl was well fit. Schwiiiiinnnng!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Mr Woodcock - Well the titles funny

It just isn't funny, Sean William Scott plays the same role as in The Promotion and Billy Bob plays the same role he's done so many times lately. But it just doesn't work. Some funny moments but few and far and very little else to shout about instead. I don't know, maybe I was just in a bad mood.

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Alien - Never work for the man!!

An incredibly tense and scary affair. Sci fi horror at it's best. Still stands up today because of it's cast, direction and visuals. Both the Scott brothers know movies. I was 10 when I first saw this and had to take the next day off school. Those BBFC ratings are there for a reason.

Sunday, 16 November 2008

Death Proof - There's something about Vanessa

See I like this film, I don't know ....Vanessa Ferlito... what it is about it I like so much?...Vanessa Ferlito....I think maybe because QT is back with his trade....Vanessa Ferlito... mark dialogue and enticing....Vanessa Ferlito....soundtrack that only he can do. And that amazing.....Vanessa Ferlioto..... car crash, absolutely stunning...Vanessa Ferlito.... what beauty...Vanessa Ferlito....could watch it over and over again. Oh, can I get lap dance...Vanessa Ferlito....?


Thursday, 13 November 2008

Saw V - I,II,III,IV,V everybody in the car so come on let's ride

So we are back, with Jigsaw number V I don't know what we were expecting, none of us could remember what happened in IV. Now I warn you people will die and you will be left thinking that maybe Jigsaw John's engineering prowess could be put to better use. Ooh Aah, that's how it all starts, but then there's running and screaming...and blood and guts and bone.....should I even have to review a fourth sequel, law of diminishing returns and all?????

Monday, 10 November 2008

Sunday, 9 November 2008

Postal - It's a Uwe Boll film??!!?!?%%$?£?"! His best if that swings it for ya!

Never heard of ths VG, but it is one. Should be mad, bad and dangerous to know - well it is, just for the wrong reasons. Only this man can take a shit idea and make it more shitty as opposed to loveable shitty. Moments, but only moments.....oh and bikini girls with guns, oh and he gets killed. Just a film though.

Friday, 7 November 2008

Kenny - Mad as a clown's cock

Kenny cleans up crap, Kenny has a lot to say, Kenny is as funny as shit. Mockumentary masterclass from Oz. If you don't love this one, it could never work between us. Kenny is a legend - what a guy.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Never Been Kissed - Just like 'Carrie' but for girls

You see every so often this girl appears and I end up watching movies like this. I don't really mind as she's a nice girl and hey, it is Drew Barrymore. Oh...the review, well for girls - Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens, brown pa........
And for the guys - ITS DREW BARRYMORE.


Monday, 3 November 2008

RED - Frank Castle he isn't , but he's still pretty miffed

Brian Cox (legend) in another great film. Perfectly shows how western society today pushes people into seeking their own justice. Small town America might look idyllic but it has the same mindless scum as everywhere else, and this country has guns on tap. Maybe Cox is just the new Connery - The man can't make a bad film.

Tropic Thunder - I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipes, and swallow the gravy

Pure class. Cleverly apes so many actors, agents, directors and war films without ever really being too obvious. Think Spaced not Scary Movie. The new Team Ameica one feels. Here we go again.....again


Saturday, 1 November 2008

Hot Rod - Too legit to quit

Jesus built my Scooter. It's a love affair. Mainly Jesus and my Hot Rod.

George Michael said 'Listen without Prejudice'. Lorne Michaels said 'Watch without Judas Priest'. Ok that may not be true but it should give an indication of what this film is like. Comedy that the Yanks do best. Watch and learn.

Yeah, Fuck It!


The Orphanage - One, two, three, knock on the wall....

...no don't, just build a wall and hide behind it because this film is scary. Kids, Orphange, scarecrow, old woman with big glassses, can it be any worse. Turn up the sound to eleven, dim the lights, possible watch with others of a nervous disposition and be prepared to have your tits scared off. This is a game of Simon says that you do not want to play.

First Blood - If you go down to the woods today

Rambo, Stallone, Ugh. Watch it ladies it's one of his best. John J goes on a one man revenge spree, killing and maiming some instantly dislikable cops, hicks and hickcops. Who would have thought that over 20 years later he would be standing for President with one of those very same hicks standing with him as his VP. You crazy Americans.


Thursday, 30 October 2008

Taken - French pissing off the CIA, French pissing off the USA-A-A-A-A

Luc Besson by numbers, but not a bad thing. The smaltz stuff is a bit Face Off but the rest is class. Liam Neeson took some lessons from Bourne and Bauer, left the force behind and turned into one bad ass mother. Don't mess with him 'cause he will take you down, take you down to chinatown.

Monday, 27 October 2008

The Incredible Hulk - Merely credible

I don't know why people think this is better than Ang Lee's effort? It just doesn't have the impact or scale of the first. The Hulk is big and yet the framing contains him. We have the same characters and yet a completley different cast. Ed Norton is off form and Tim Roth is laughable. Maybe I'm not as shallow as I thought. Still a reasonable effort though and the beautiful Liv Tyler should be enough to keep your attention. Ahh there we go..